“Attraction Isn’t A Choice”
The Psychology Of Men, Women, And Attraction
By David DeAngelo.
I want to tell you the interesting story of how I came to realize that
"Attraction Isn't A Choice", and how to use this concept to dramatically
improve your success with women.
I can remember when I used to believe that being a "nice guy" was
the way to make a woman like you, and that if you were "nice" and
she didn't like you, that it was probably just because she didn't think
you were handsome enough, rich enough, or whatever... and that
there was nothing I was going to do about it.
I mean, doesn't it make sense that a woman should be attracted to
a guy who treats her well, is attentive, is sensitive to her feelings,
gives her what she wants, buys her gifts, etc.?
Of course it does. It makes LOGICAL sense.
But when I really started to pay close attention to what was
happening in the REAL WORLD, I started to notice a few things:
1) Women would tend to break up with me, play hard to get, and
generally not be happy and satisfied when I treated them "overly
2) My "nice" friends weren't the ones who were attracting all the
women... it was my "bad boy" friends that seemed to be getting all the
attention from the girls.
3) The most popular male "sex symbols" tended to be guys who were
mean, fighting, abusive "bad guy" types.
About four years ago, when I first decided that it was time to
"figure out" this part of my life, I started by reading and learning as
many "popular techniques" and ideas as I could.
I tried just about every system to "meet women" that has been
created. You name it, I tried it.
But no matter what I tried, there always seemed to be something
missing from the puzzle. Sometimes the ideas worked, but for the
most part it was VERY hit and miss.
Then, one day I was talking to a new friend that I had met about
how to meet women. I was telling him about some of the new
techniques I was trying like handwriting analysis and palmistry...
All he could do was look at me with a kind of half confused smile on
As it turned out, this new friend of mine led me to a realization that
was a key to understanding the idea of "attraction."
As he listened to me talk, he would always try to explain to me that
women aren't attracted to "nice" guys who “kiss their asses” and do
“nice” things for them. He explained that his method of attracting
women involved being arrogant and funny, and leading the woman in
the direction he wanted her to go. He even talked about being kind of
rude at times, which really confused me.
As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I began to
1) Attraction isn't a process that happens by "choice." In other words,
a woman doesn't start talking to a man and say to herself "wow, this
guy seems very smart and funny... just the type of guy that I've been
looking for... I think I'll feel attracted to him." This has evolved to my
phrase "Attraction Isn't A Choice."
2) Attraction happens at an unconscious level as an automatic
EMOTIONAL response to certain cues. For men attraction usually
happens in response to a beautiful face and a nice body. For women it
usually happens for other reasons (although it can and does happen on
occasion for physical reasons alone).
3) Attraction does have a "logic" all of its own, complete with
techniques you can learn in order to increase it.
4) When a woman feels ATTRACTION to a man, she will do things that
seem to be completely illogical, irrational, and even against her best
interests in order to be with the man who is the object of her desires.
If you're a guy that is stuck in the idea that a woman "should" feel
attracted to a "nice guy", then your first step is to open your eyes, and
take a look around at some of the OBVIOUS patterns that are hidden
right in PLAIN SIGHT around you.
1) There are a lot of guys who are average looking, average height,
average income, etc. who have ABOVE average success with women.
2) The "nicest" guys aren't usually the ones that women are attracted
3) There are a lot of men who are truly "bad boys" who get FAR more
than their share of women.
4) We humans, for the most part, are not in control of our "attraction
mechanisms"... in other words, when we are attracted to someone
else, it takes control of us and there's NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT
I have a simple exercise that I'd like you to try right now:
Take your computer mouse and turn it 180 degrees clockwise. Turn
it so the end closes to you is now furthest from you, and the furthest
part is closest.
Now try to use the mouse to move the pointer around on your
At first, it doesn't make any sense... it's backwards and upside
down. But as you play with it a bit, you start to get used to it, and you
can move around pretty quickly.
Now try using it with it turned only 90 degrees one way or another.
This is much harder. But with some practice you can do it.
Learning to make women feel attraction for you is much the same
way. At first it DOESN'T SEEM TO MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. But the
more you practice, the more you start to see that even though it isn't
logical IT DOES HAVE A PATTERN AND A METHODOLOGY TO IT.
As a matter of fact, I've realized that once you learn this set of
behaviors that "pushes the attraction button" inside of women, you will
start to see that women actually KNOW when they are dealing with a
man that understands this principle. Women instantly respond to men
who "get it" and they INSTANTLY REJECT MEN WHO DON'T.
Just like moving an upside down mouse you must learn to do things
that don't come "naturally" to you.
But once you learn them you'll have a skill that will create amazing
results in your life.
Here are a few ideas to practice and review on a regular basis:
Use the magic formula of COCKY+FUNNY. Arrogance by itself is a
turn-off to women. But arrogant humor that MAKES THEM LAUGH is a
HUGE turn on. Make jokes about her trying to pick up on you, tease
her about something she is insecure about, make fun of others... just
make sure it's making her laugh.
Give her a hard time and tease her about something as soon as you
possibly can. Now, I'm not talking about being MEAN here. I'm talking
about teasing a woman just like you might do with a family member.
This communicates total confidence and comfort in your own skin.
Hold yourself in a way that communicates confidence, leadership,
and dominance. Use good posture, move very slowly and confidently.
Don't laugh or smile very often.
Don't do "nice guy" stuff like buying drinks, giving compliments
about beauty, or acting needy. In the beginning you must keep your
cool and act as if YOU are the catch and she is the lucky one.
You must remember that attractive women are being approached all
the time by guys who are kissing up to them. You must be something
different. You must be entertaining but not goofy, confident but not so
much that you appear insecure, and most importantly totally in control
of yourself and the situation.
I hope you're starting to understand better why I always say
"Attraction Isn't A Choice."
The Difference Between “Attraction” and
If you've read my book "Double Your Dating", then there's a good
chance that somewhere along the way you've asked yourself the
question: "Does this guy think that long-term relationships are
To set the record books straight, I want to say "Yes, I think that
long-term relationships are wonderful, healthy, and can be a great
source of joy and happiness, Amen." I've had many of them myself,
and have enjoyed some great times as a result.
But here's the distinction: If you don't learn how to a woman feel
ATTRACTED to you at the VERY BEGINNING, then you are taking a
HUGE risk. Namely, that you're going to invest all of your time, effort,
energy, emotions, gifts, money, and life pursuing someone who may
or may not ever feel the same way about you.
If, on the other hand, you master the art of making women feel that
GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION using only your personality, then you won't
be GAMBLING as much when it comes to women and relationships.
NOTE: My experience is that many of the things that us guys do to
try to attract a woman, i.e. buying gifts, doing favors, etc. actually
lead to the woman finding us UN-attractive, because she sees these as
needy behaviors performed by a weak man that hide ulterior motives.
I think that long-term relationships are great. I just don't like the
idea of investing a lot of time, energy, and money if I have no idea
whether a girl even likes me! No thanks.
How much better it is to know how to make a woman feel that
excitement, tension, and attraction at the VERY BEGINNING. This way
you're not out-of-control, wondering where you stand. Then, if you
decide that this is someone that you'd like to spend more time
with in the future, you can start doing more traditional "relationship"
things (if YOU choose).
A relationship based on two people enjoying each other's company
and personalities is FAR stronger, in my opinion, than one based on
gifts, money and favors.
Take a moment right now, and think about the difference between
ATTRACTION and COMMITMENT. Think about the things that make you
feel ATTRACTED to a woman, and then think about the things that
make you feel COMMITTED to a woman.
Big difference, isn't it?
Here's one for you. Do nice women stay with jerks because they
feel committed to them? In most cases I'd doubt it. It's because the
jerk is ATTRACTIVE in one way or another.
What I've done is take the parts of the 'jerk' personality... the parts
that are ATTRACTIVE to women, and use just those without the
Teasing, busting her balls, creating tension, playing hard to get, not
giving her what she wants, being unpredictable, being cocky and funny
are all ways to push the "attraction buttons" without being abusive or
Then, it's up to YOU whether you'd like to buy gifts, pay for dinners,
and do favors. When gifts and favors are presented in the context of
being an already attractive, cocky and funny man, then they take on a
whole new meaning. They lead to a stronger feeling of devotion and
WARNING: Don't turn into a wuss just because you decide that you
really like a girl. Don't start calling her 47 times a day and saying
"Ohh, baby I really miss you."
Use gifts, favors, and romance like a spice... not the main dish.
So remember the difference between “Attraction” and
“Commitment”… and keep doing the things that make her feel